Thy Will

Three years ago I went to a job fair to talk to potential employers and begin my search for a teaching job. I sat down with one of the Assistant Principals and had a short conversation about my experience in education and where I see myself working. The last question I was asked was, “Where do you see yourself in 10 years?”. My answer was the reason why it was the last question before the conversation ended.

You see, I never intended to be single at 22. I was supposed to be engaged or in a serious relationship upon graduating college. This would determine where I would live and where I saw my life going. As a very single woman preparing to embark in the adventure of post-grad life, I had no clue where I saw myself in year, much less 10 years.

The question freaked me out and I didn’t know how to answer it. I knew my answer was crazy as soon as I said it. Tip for anyone who is in the interview process, don’t give my answer:

“I definitely see myself teaching, but I am not sure where. I might stay in Georgia, but I may move to Oregon in the next year or so.”

I wish I was joking. I actually said that and the potential employer shook my hand and said it was nice to meet me. Needless to say, I didn’t end up working at that school.

Three years later and I still don’t know how to answer that question. I don’t know where I see myself in 10 years. I could tell you my hopes for 35, but there are few things I can do to actually be in the place I hope to be.

At 19, I was heartbroken over feeling like I was not enough for a boy. I’ve been there time and time again in the past 6 years. But if you had asked me at 19 where I saw myself at 25, then I would have probably said I would be pregnant with my first child.

I was still hopeful of that Ring by Spring when I was 19. I have finally realized why my heart continued to break when that crush or potential relationship didn’t amount to anything. I have been putting my hope and faith in a situation, rather than the one who plans it all.

While talking with a good friend, I told her this revelation. How I have to wake up each day and choose to believe in what the Lord is doing and follow after Him. She reminded me that is what faith is. Choosing to follow after Christ, even when it hurts or doesn’t make sense.

I have allowed a sweet whisper from the Lord to become misplaced. Rather than hoping and trusting in what He was doing, I placed my hope in the situation. I have wrestled with this whisper and whether or not to believe it. “Lord, I believe, but help my unbelief”, has become a frequent prayer. In the past month, He has shown me how I have twisted His words into a situational belief. My hope was placed on the outcome, rather than simply believing what the Lord has said is true and He is working.

Yesterday was a day when a great amount of pain and lies resurfaced. It leaves me feeling hurt, sad, and tired. My emotions feel volatile, as if they could explode at any moment. I’m learning how to process these tidal wave of emotion days, but it is a slow process. Finally, I turned to my devotion. I laughed out loud when I realized that I was reading Hebrews 11.

This passage about faith and the great heroes of the faith that I have read many times. The first verse is one we so often use to define faith.

“To have faith is to be sure of the things hoped for, to be certain of the things we cannot see.”

As I read through Hebrews 11 and remembered the stories of the men and women who chose to follow God when it didn’t make sense, I felt my heart strengthen. Verse six reminded me that it pleases God when we are walking in faith.

I described waking up each day and choosing to breathe in what I know to be true, despite my external circumstances. My sweet friend reminded me that is faith and that it pleases God. Honestly, her statement took me by surprise. That I can please God in anything seems wild. The God who saved us all and created life and gives good gifts, is pleased by me. Wow.

I frequently come back to a quote from Annie F. Down’s most recent book, Remember God.

“I am breathing in what I know to be true, and I’m sighing out the parts I can’t reconcile between what my heart knows and what my eyes see”.

This is faith and it reminds me to breathe in God’s promises and exhale the lies of the world.

I found myself relating to Abraham as I read Hebrews 11. In the latter half of verse 8 it says, “He left his own country without knowing where he was going”. This is how life feels right now. I don’t know where life is going, but I know who is leading it and I am choosing to follow.

Where do I see myself in 10 years? I don’t know, but I know God is leading me there as long as I follow hard after Him.

Because music is heavily influential in my life, I always feel drawn to particular songs that characterize what I am learning, remind me of who God is, or feel as if they were written for the season of life I find myself in. Below is linked two songs that I frequently listen to.

Thy Will by Hillary Scott and Family

Remember by Lauren Daigle