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Each year as my birthday and the end of the calendar year nears, I reflect on the past year.

What has it held? What have I learned? How have I grown? What were defining moments? What is the Lord teaching me? What word(s) captures the year?

The past year has been filled with the highest of highs and the lowest of lows.

A year ago, I came face to face with crippling anxiety. I had to vocalize that I struggle with anxiety and depression. I spent the first five months of 2018 wrestling with my anxiety. The Lord revealed a lot about how He created me and allowed me to use my experience with anxiety to help others dealing with it for the first time.

The season of Lent was in the middle of these few months. I read through Exodus with my Bible study and felt as if I was walking through the Wilderness with the Israelites. Though this time was dark, I felt the Lord’s presence in all things. It was a season of pain and growth. A season of questions that were answered in ways I didn’t expect, but am beginning to understand.

I wrote about the season of Lent here.

The summer was filled with light. I faced a dream and made it a reality. I never thought I would actually travel across Europe. I kept thinking something would get in the way, but nothing did. I spent June backpacking through Europe with my older sister, Alyssa. We learned a lot about each other and I wasn’t ready to come home.

Sunset in Florence

I loved learning new cities and experiencing different cultures. We went to Spain, France, Switzerland, Germany, Austria, Italy, and Greece. We were able to experience places with rich history as well as be on location of some of our favorite movies. I was in awe of each church and cathedral we entered. The art and architecture were truly inspiring. I felt as if I were living in my AP European History class from high school and I loved it.

I didn’t want to come home because I wanted to keep exploring, but new things awaited me in Rome. As we were getting ready to board our first flight of four that would take us back to the US, I received a text. It was 3:30 am in Santorini and 8:30 pm in Rome, GA. I have a group text with my sweet friends Emily Katherine, Shelby, and Holly. Emily Katherine was about to be roommate-less and we had talked about the four of us living together in a house. The text messages were flowing in about a house downtown. I was barely awake. I was hesitant, sleep-deprived, and unsure of the sanity of the idea.

After two flights and some sleep in the Madrid airport, I had changed my mind. How fun would it be to live downtown with some of my best friends! Unfortunately, the house we were looking at had already been taken. We continued our search and found another house downtown. Shelby jumped on the task of taking a look at the house. We toured the house with the owner and fell in love. It was only three bedrooms, but Holly decided she needed to stay where she was. A month later, Emily Katherine, Shelby, and I moved in to the Magnolia Manor.

Photo by Cameron Flaish

The Magnolia Manor is magical. The Lord worked out everything perfectly for us to live here. It is a home. The people who live with me, and those who come in and out frequently, are an incredible blessing that I am grateful for each day. This house and those people have made this semester bright and beautiful.

Fall and a new school year have been challenging. I have struggled this semester and am learning a lot about patience. My third year of teaching has been difficult, but I love my students and my school. I could not ask for a better group of people to work with. My coworkers and administrators have been supportive and helpful during a tough semester.

I had a lot of plans for my Fall Break, but they were quickly derailed. My best friend, Carroll, got married on September 29th and it was the most beautiful wedding. It was one of my highs this year. The next morning, I woke up to a text from my mother that my brother was in a bad car accident and they were with him at the hospital. I thought I was still dreaming at first. I went from a high to the lowest low in a day.

Photo by Caleb Timmerman

In all honesty, Aaron should not have survived his car wreck. By God’s grace and mercy, he did. It was a sobering few days spent at the hospital. Watching and helping with his recovery has been a beautiful, hard reminder of how God loves us and allows us to experience pain sometimes. The whole prosperity gospel is a load of poo. Sorry, Joel Olsteen, but the Lord never promised us an easy life. But, so much beauty and life come from pain. The Lord is present in all things and his plans are greater. A truth I still have to be reminded of each day.

Aaron's car after the wreck

Six days following Aaron’s wreck, Alyssa got engaged. Part of my Fall Break was spent helping her new fiancé, Daniel, plan the engagement. Our family went from the lowest low to the highest high. My mom put it best when she said God gave her two sons that week. A blessing to have our family still whole and growing.

Daniel and Alyssa right after they got engaged!

The last day of my Fall Break, I lost it. Everything from the past nine days had finally caught up to me. I had no one left to take care of but myself and I didn’t want to face that reality. I had a complete mental, emotional breakdown.

This trend continued for the next several Sundays. It happens less frequently now, but I can tell when I have stopped taking care of Carrie. I am learning to name my emotions and take them to God. I’ve always had a lot of emotions and there have been times that I hated that. But I was created by the Lord and He made me to feel things deeply. I am learning to ask Him what I do with those emotions and how He wants to use this gift.

I am about to turn 25, which feels pretty big. I’ve been in my quarter life crisis for the past two and a half months now. There is a lot that I still do not understand, but I know the Lord is good. He is working in this time, even if I can’t see or comprehend it. I am still learning a lot about myself. Some of which I am still processing.

The Lord taught me about his kindness this past year. From walking through the Wilderness with the Israelites to experiencing the history that has shaped our world. His kindness in celebrating new friendships, marriages, and homes to His kindness in our pain.

He is teaching me that I am cared for. He has placed people in my life that have created a deep, caring community. I have struggled to feel that I am cared for, but my people have loved me through some dark times. I am beyond grateful for the people the Lord has given me and how He has used them to care for my heart.

    The word that encapsulates this past year is patience. In the Lord, I wait in Hope of what He is doing and going to do in my present circumstances.