No Filter

I gave up wearing makeup for Lent. I was giving it up to have more time in my morning for time with the Lord. I made this decision weeks before Lent began and let a few friends know in order to hold me accountable.

I had no idea how challenging it would be to not wear makeup everyday. In the past year, I have allowed makeup to become something I hide behind. I feel more confident, beautiful, and desirable when my face is hidden. I want to look like I have it all together, even when that it false.

My initial intentions were not pure. In giving up my vanity for holiness, I thought I was more holy and less vain. I quickly realized how vain I am. Full of vanity and broken beyond belief, but thankfully not beyond the cross.

I have been working on my outward appearance for the past 6 months and the Lord is breaking down all the walls of my vanity. Not just my face, but my whole body. Without makeup though, I cannot hide the brokenness anymore.

Not being able to cover my face makes me feel extremely vulnerable. It feels as if my emotions and heart are bare for the world to see. The first week of Lent was emotional and exhausting and I avoided mirrors.

Another barrier to break down: my natural face. I don't like it anymore. I want to throw foundation, blush, mascara, and brow filler on to make myself look more beautiful. I face this lie each day: the face the Lord my God gave me is not beautiful. But he knit me together in my mother's womb and his creation is beautiful. Calling myself not beautiful is telling the artist His work isn't good enough. And his work is good and beautiful because he is the Creator.

Writing this and Ellie Holcomb's song Wonderfully Made started playing. Y'all, the Lord is crazy good and what a gift to hear this song as I write about my own self-hatred. He knows all those lies I so easily believe, He doesn't give up on me, He continues to pursue me with love and truth.

"What if I saw me the way that you see me?

What if I believed it was true?

What if I traded, this shame and self-hatred?

For a chance at believing You.

That you knit me together 

In my mother's womb

And you say that I've never been 

Hidden from you

And you say that I am wonderfully made"

-Wonderfully Made by Ellie Holcomb

Another lie that I believe is that the Lord is not good to me. Sure, He is good. Just not to me. He takes things from me because I am not enough and do not deserve them. This is a lie straight from the pit of Hell and I would be righteously angry at any friend who told me this about themselves. But for myself, I believe it and forget truth so quickly.

I do not have to be enough because God is always enough. He says I am enough. I don't deserve anything, but the Lord is gracious and His mercies are new each morning. There isn't a tab on my brokenness. The only person keeping that tab is me. 

During this season of Lent the Lord has been breaking down my barriers that prevent me from being vulnerable with myself, others, and Him. He is also calling out lies that I believe, and there are a lot. I still ache for Spring to arrive in my life, but He is working in my waiting.