A Year of Transformation

Happy New Year! 2016 is going to be a busy year for me. In just a few days, I will begin my full time student teaching. I will be in the classroom all day, everyday for 8 weeks, then I will be in the classroom part time, approximately 17 hours a week, for the last 7 weeks. I will also be working on my resume, looking for a job, working on my certification, and trying to make the most of my last semester in college.

I am conflicted as my time at Berry comes to a close. Part of me wants to hold on to it and isn't ready to let go, but another part of me longs to be finished with classes and dorm life (I cannot wait to have my own kitchen!). I have no idea where God is taking me after graduation. I will most likely teach, unless He has some other plan. I have no clue where I will be living or who I will be living with. That is scary! I have always known exactly where I want to go and it has always worked out. The difference now is that I know where I would like to go, but I don't know if that is where I will end up. I know that I will end (or rather begin) exactly where the Lord is planning to place me.

With a busy last semester and unknown future ahead, I have been thinking about what I want 2016 to look like. 2015 was a rough year. I struggled with anxiety, mild depression, self-worth, and my identity. In fact, I still struggle with 3 of those things though not to the degree I did in the first half of this past year. I am learning to turn my anxiety, identity, and self-worth issues over to God. However, I get distracted by all the things around me.

My relationship with Christ was close to nonexistent in 2015. I went to church every week, had conversations with friends about who God is, listened to Christian music on occasion, and read my Bible or journaled once or twice a month. I prayed every now and again. On the outside my checklist looked good to others, but internally I often felt empty. Emptiness always drew me back to God until I became distracted again and filled my head and my heart with the crappy, meaningless, and material ideas of the American culture. I found some of my self-worth in how many people liked my Instagram picture or witty Facebook post. I put my identity in what I did and tried to find my significance in being unique and became angry when others "took" things that "belonged" to my individuality.

I don't like it when people don't live authentic lives, yet I was one of those people. I wanted everyone in my Christian scholarship program to believe I belonged there when I didn't think I measured up. I wanted them to love me and invite me into community because I didn't think they cared. I pushed some of my closest friends away and by the grace of God they still love me. 

I am screwed up. I am completely broken. I have not been living an authentic life. I am struggling to understand what a relationship with Christ is. And I am doubting whether I have ever been transformed. The first thing I do in the morning is check the weather, then Instagram, Facebook, and Buzzfeed. 

I opened up my Jesus Calling this morning and it pointed me to Romans 12:2. A familiar verse that I have always believed I lived by. As I read it, I realized I am far from living a transformed life. 
"Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect." Romans 12:2

That is what I want my 2016 to look like. After 15 years of being a professed "Christian", it is time to start living life transformed, not lukewarm. This verse is my prayer for 2016 and beyond. In addition, I have set some goals. Not resolutions because those never actually happen. Goals are attainable, resolutions are ideas.

Goal 1: For at least the next 8 to 9 weeks I will not be on Instagram. I will also abstain from Facebook and Buzzfeed for the most part. All three of these apps have been deleted from my phone. Instead of waking up and checking these apps, I will wake up and spend some time with my Father. Then, I will check the weather because that is actually useful. I will still check Facebook on occasion because there are a few people who I like to keep up with on there. I am not going to lie, I will probably get on Buzzfeed on my computer once in a while.

Goal 2: I will read one chapter of a book a week. There are a lot of spiritual books I have bought and never finished or started. These books challenge me and my faith and I should spend time reading them.

Goal 3: Work out at least twice a week. I need to take care of my body more and eat less cookie dough.

Goal 4: Spend intentional time in prayer each week. Actually sit down somewhere quiet with the intention of praying for my community, nation, family, friends, and the world.

Goal 5: Be present and attentive to the people around me. 

These goals are not a checklist, but rather things God has placed on my heart. I have learned that you can do all the right things and have the head knowledge, but it does not change your heart. My heart can only be transformed by my Heavenly Father.

Please know all I have written does not come from my head, but my heart. I am not a writer. I can only write what is put on my heart by God.

"The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make his face to shine upon you and be gracious to you; the Lord turn his face toward you and give you peace."
Numbers 6:24-26